Giving Thanks.

I have needed to write this blog entry for a while. I've been avoiding it because it is personal and I prefer to write the personal stuff in my own journal or in the family journal that Casey and I keep together. This blog is like the big plates--the outer goings ons and adventures of our family. The inner stuff lands in the journals. Being able to share my inner self has always been hard for me anyway and definitely not something I'm apt to publish in cyberspace.

In January, I wrote about our happy news: We were expecting baby #5 at the end of the summer. Since I wrote that in this space, I feel like I need to write this entry.

I had never had a miscarriage, so when I started bleeding I was shocked, scared, and anxious. When I called my midwife and explained what was going on, she seemed unconcerned at first. (I guess it is fairly common for women to bleed during the first trimester.) Since that was not my pregnancy modus, I was an anxious wreck for a few days until it became obvious to me that I really was losing the baby. I was between 7 and 8 weeks at the time--fairly early on--but I was devastated and so, so sad.

I remember sitting on the couch with Casey and Lindy early one morning. The older kids were all still asleep. It was Sunday, January 17th, Sophie's birthday. That morning I woke knowing that we would lose the baby. I sobbed quietly while Lindy, sitting beside me, patted my stomach and made her sad, mournful, full-of-love baby sounds. I was amazed at the profound comfort she offered.

Earlier in the month I had read an article in the Ensign (Not the Miracle We Wanted). The article told the story of a young couple who could not have children. The wife wrote about the bitterness that crept into her life and started to color all of her relationships. Eventually she realized that her bitterness was destroying her and so she changed her prayers; Instead of pleading for the child that she desperately wanted, she started giving thanks for all of the blessings that were in her life, including the trial of not being able to conceive, recognizing that all difficulty is a potential teacher. She then described the profound peace that came into her life when she humbled herself enough to give thanks for everything--the good and the bad.

The idea of thanking God for trials while I am in the thick of them is so not intuitive. I feel like I am good at looking in hindsight and seeing God's purpose in giving me different trials and feeling grateful for the things I learn through difficulty in retrospect, but the idea of feeling and offering present gratitude during hard times . . . I'd never even considered that.

As I was losing our baby, this article came into my mind and I decided to try it--that is, give thanks for the trial while it was happening. Although I was not grateful to be losing a baby, I was thankful for what the Lord could teach me through it.

That prayer was life-altering. Transformative. A deep peace came almost immediately and although there was still a deep sadness and sense of loss, there was such a thick, abiding, sweet peace. My home became a sacred place as I offered that prayer. It literally changed everything. The anxiety and fear and apprehension vanished.

Later that week, Casey and I took the kids skiing at Alta. It was a cloudy day, but with ski goggles--everything appeared bright and beautiful. Luminous. When I put those goggles on, the circumstances of the day remained the same (it was still cloudy outside), but I perceived them differently. A perfect metaphor for my recent experience. After my prayer of gratitude for present trials, although I was still losing baby #5, I perceived the trial differently. It was like I stepped back and out and into the eternal. I could immediately see blessings coming from my loss. (A deeper love for my children, an appreciation for the gift of motherhood, and a greater reverence for my own body and it's capabilities, to name just a few.) The physical circumstance was the same (I was still miscarrying a wanted baby) but instead of fighting against the trial, I embraced it. Accepted it. Allowed it to work in me, fully trusting in a loving Heavenly Father who knew all things. How did I not know this secret before?

Elder Dallen H. Oaks said: 

When we understand . . . that God offers us opportunities for blessings and blesses us through our own adversities and the adversities of others, we can understand why He has commanded us again and again to "thank the Lord thy God in all things."

I have learned that giving thanks in all things is a powerful way to approach the difficulties of life.

As I sat in the Provo City Center Temple dedication today, I couldn't help but draw another parallel. The Provo Tabernacle burned down. Burned down! And now it is a beautiful temple. The burning paved the way for a higher, nobler purpose to its existence. The burning opened up a possibility--a chance to become something better--"beauty for ashes." And so it is with our souls.